We have written this information to ease any worries that you might have about how your child’s cleft may impact their confidence. We know that many children with a visible difference grow up to be confident adults.
The degree of visible difference is not always linked to how confident a person becomes.
There are other, more important factors, which are involved in your child’s confidence. Many of these can be influenced while they are growing and learning about the world.
The advice and tips that we outline in this leaflet are only ideas and you do not have to follow them exactly.
Remember, your child’s cleft is a very small part of who they are. It is important to be aware of your child’s cleft and the impact that this may have on their life, but not to focus on it. This will allow them to focus on everything else that makes them who they are.
What is confidence?
Confidence is feeling sure of ourselves and our abilities. It is made up of several key factors:
- Self-appreciation – liking and valuing yourself and things you have done.
- Self-knowledge – knowing your own strengths and limits.
- Positive thinking – knowing that good things can happen even when plans don’t work out.
- Communication skills – being able to listen to others, but also getting them engaged in what you and others have to say.
- Emotional control – having the ability to manage difficult emotions.
Building confidence in your child does not mean you are raising them to be big-headed or arrogant. Being confident means having a good understanding of yourself. There are small things you can do while your child is growing up which support growth in each of these areas.
Self-appreciation
Self-appreciation is feeling proud and seeing the good things in ourselves. It is important for your child to know that you love, value, and celebrate everything about them. This will help your child also appreciate themselves, including their cleft.
Tips
- Do not assume that your child knows you love them. Tell them clearly and often.
- It is also important to show your love for your child through physical affection. This can be giving them a hug.
- Children need chances to display their skills and feel what they offer is valued. At home this could mean asking them to help with household tasks. For example: tidying up toys; sweeping; helping wash the car or setting the table. It is important that you praise your child when they have done tasks and thank them for their effort.
- You could hang up photos or pictures around your house of your child, including baby pictures of them before their cleft surgery. As well as showing love for your child this will normalise their cleft without drawing attention to the cleft.
Self-knowledge
Helping your child to have a good understanding of who they are will help to build confidence. This should include knowing their strengths and their limits and knowing what has happened to them through their life.
This will allow your child to be able to answer questions and know when they need to ask for help and when they can rely on their own skills. It is important for your child to have answers to questions about their cleft. This should be simple, for example: “I was born with this” or “I had surgery when I was younger, and this is the scar”. Many questions will come from curiosity and having an answer should stop further questions.
Tips
- It can be helpful for you to create ‘A Story of Me’ book for your child. This could include: pictures of them before surgery; document their surgery recovery; the names of the surgeons; and the dates that they were in hospital. This will help your child understand their early years. As they grow up you can help them add to their book.
- Praise is crucial. If your child has done well, tell them this. This could be by putting up certificates or awards on the wall of their bedroom or stating that you are proud of them.
- If your child is struggling, it is important to praise their effort. It may be useful to add that nobody is good at everything. If they are interested in developing a skill, encourage improvement by demonstration and practice.
Positive thinking
Encouraging positive thinking in your child, will help them to problem-solve and remain confident that everything will be ok, even when things do not go to plan.
It is also important to promote positive attitudes about appearance and be sensitive to your child’s body image. This will help your child feel confident in their body and realise that any differences in themself and others are ok.
Tips
- Learning from mistakes. This skill can be taught by making sure your child knows that mistakes are the best way of learning. Try not to make a big deal over an honest mistake as this may make children afraid of trying because of a fear of failing.
- Children model their parents. Keeping calm when your child has made a mistake will teach them that things will be ok if they make a mistake.
- Think about good things in their day. At the end of each day, you can sit down and go through all the good things that have happened.
- Be a good role model. Promote the message that everyone is unique and that this is a good thing.
Communication skills
Developing confident communication skills in your child relies on their interaction with lots of different people as they grow up. Children may need extra support in communicating, but they can still grow up to be confident communicators. Encourage your child’s communication in the way they feel most comfortable.
Tips
- Turn-taking and role-playing games are great for younger children to develop their communication skills. It can be helpful to have a parent supervising these games to ensure that everyone has a turn in speaking.
- Children benefit from speaking to people of different ages. This brings different ways of communicating, different ideas, and different ways of getting their voice heard. Encourage your child to speak to grandparents, family friends and children of different ages.
- Children copy how their parents communicate. Ensure that you are setting an example of how you would like your child to communicate e.g., calm and clear.
- It will be helpful for you to be open and honest with your child about their cleft in a way that they will understand. This will help them feel confident in who they are, as well as enabling them to answer questions people may ask.
Emotional control
If your child is able to manage their emotions, this will help them feel more confident about managing strong emotions and responding to difficulties in a calm way.
Tips
- If your child is able to express and understand their feelings this is the first step towards managing them. When your child is experiencing a difficult emotion, encourage them to tell you how they are feeling. You could support them to think about what has made them feel this way and help them to make a plan about what to do when they feel this emotion.
- Ensure that your child has some methods of coping with difficult emotions such as anxiety or anger. Examples of coping methods could be distracting them by colouring, playing a game, shouting into a cushion or walking to a safe space.
Don’t panic
Many parents feel as though they should be doing something different or something more than what they are already doing. It is very likely you are doing many things to support your child to grow into a confident young person, without even realising.
No one is the perfect parent all the time. If you make a mistake or feel that you have said something which you regret, you should apologise and move on.
It is important to remember that the main message to instil in your child is that they are loved. This above all else help your child’s confidence grow.
Helpful resources
We have included the links to some further reading around increasing the confidence of your child:
Mind
Mind has information about how to improve self-esteem which may be a useful read for parents of older children.
Young Minds
Young Minds is one of the UK’s leading charities campaigning for children and young people’s mental health. Their website includes an A-Z parent’s guide including tips to support your child’s self- esteem.
They also have a section on supporting the mental health of under 5’s.
Child mind Institute
This article lists 12 top tips for raising a confident child.
Anna Freud National Centre for Children and Families
This website has information on resources for looking after yourself as a parent, as well as ideas for many different hobbies/activities that your child could try out in order to improve their confidence.
Changing Faces
Changing Faces is a charity that offers resources and support to children and families who are living with conditions that affect their appearance. They can be contacted on 0207 391 9270 or through their website.
If reading is something that you like to do with your child there are a number of lovely story books which touch on the topic of raising confidence:
- Willow’s Whispers – Lana Button Only One You – Linda Kranz
Contact
Cleft psychology service
Level one
Old Doctor’s Residence
Royal Victoria Infirmary
NE1 4LP
If you have any concerns, or questions about what is discussed, please feel free to get in touch with the cleft lip and palate service on 0191 282 0660 (Admin) opening times 9am to 5pm, Monday to Friday.
You can also get in touch with psychology in healthcare on 0191 282 4081 (Admin) – opening times 9am to 5pm, Monday to Friday.
If your child needs urgent/crisis support, please contact your GP or 111. If you’d also like to support your child by contacting ChildLine call 0800 1111
PALS (Patient Advice and Liaison Service) for help, advice and information about NHS services. You can contact them on freephone 0800 032 02 02 or email PALS.
Useful websites
If you would like further information about health conditions and treatment options, you may wish to have a look at the NHS website.
Find accessibility information for our hospitals.
